Dear Emotions, Stop Dictating My Life!

donnadennisonphotography:

Im posting to a new blog. Hope you will join in and follow it. http://www.SoberVeganLesbian.com

Originally posted on Sober.Vegan.Lesbian:

There is this thing calledEmotional Sobriety.  It can be a confusing term for some.  Does it mean being happy, joyous, and free?  Not exactly.  Emotional Sobriety is not so much about how one feels…”I feel good or bad,” but more about the overall ability to actually feel ones feelings.  When we get sober, we are restored to sanity, but that doesn’t mean being “happy, joyous, and free” all the time.  What it is about is being in the moment…the present moment.  No matter what that looks like.  It is about what we are experiencing at any given moment.  Is it possible to be present in all of your feelings, without letting any single one of them define you?  Not an easy task.  But possible.

I often still feel, in sobriety, completely overtaken by annoying pin pricks under my skin.  You know…that feeling…where you are totally…

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The Fetching Cat

donnadennisonphotography:

I Posted on my new blog about our new rescue cat, Tux. She fetches! If you follow me on myblindworld, I hope you will consider following me on http://www.soberveganlesbian.com

Originally posted on Sober.Vegan.Lesbian:

We got a new rescue kitten.  Her name is Tux.  And she is gifted, in my opinion.  Tux is like your typical kitten in many ways….She eats a lot.  She is very vocal.  She likes to do things on HER TERMS, not ours.  She is feisty.  And like most cats, she sleeps a lot during the day, and transforms into a ball of energy at night.  Running about, knocking things down, playing with her toys accompanied by bells, and talking to herself…all in the wee hours of the night.  Adorable, of course.  It is kind of like having a new-born child….I find myself sleeping a lot less at night.

There is something special about Tux.  She has an extra flair in her personality.  Perhaps it is because she has dogs for siblings.  Her favorite game to play is fetch!  Yes, I said fetch…like one does with a ball and their…

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933 Days of Clean Blood

Originally posted on Sober.Vegan.Lesbian:

Today marks 933 days of continuous sobriety for me.  That equals 2 years, 6 months, and 18 days.  Wow.  Wait what?  This can’t be for real!  I couldn’t function without alcohol.  I couldn’t function with it.  I couldn’t deal with you…the people in the world.  Or the responsibilities.  Or the good things and bad things that happened around me.  I couldn’t deal with your love, or hate.  Or friendships.  And I had no desire to learn how.

That was 933 days ago.

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I truly feel like a different human being today.  A transformation in progress that has a growth like never before.  I have learned, through sobriety, and the 12 steps, that life is not really in my control.  My behavior and reactions to life’s experiences are, but the ultimate plan of the day..or rather how the day will turn out, is not in my control.  It is not run…

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I Love finding New Awesome People

Anyone interested in one, or all of the following:

1.  Sobriety

2.  Being Vegan/Vegetarian

3.  Lesbian/Gay Lifestyle

Should check out this new blog.  This woman is awesome!  I hope you will check it out and show some support by following and sharing.

www.soberveganlesbian.com

thank you my fellow blogging community!

How Do I Feel This Good Sober?

On July 11, 2013 I turned 2 years old, in sober years.  That is 730 consistent days of drug free blood running through my veins.  Wow.  Let me say that again….WOW!  For this alcoholic, that is nothing short of a miracle.  On the day of, I failed to recognize my real gratitude for this miracle, and my life.

I was not in the best of moods on the 11th of July, just 7 short days ago.  Although I should have been glowing with gratitude, I was instead sitting in self pity, resentment, and irritability.  My surroundings were awkward and unfamiliar, as I was out of town for uncontrollable reasons, away from the two places I call home…New York & Los Angeles.  However, life was good, and I couldn’t see that at the time.  Why?  Because I was wallowing in self-indulgent sorrow.  Which then led to sparks of fiery resentments to surface.  Then that moment came, where suddenly life felt unmanageable, too difficult, boring, and unworthy of my efforts to express love, compassion, and service towards others.  My emotional sobriety quickly went dark.

That is what the spinning wheel of this alcoholics mind looks like when it latches onto that familiar feeling of “poor me.”  Normally, at this stage of my sobriety, I can recognize these negative feelings and terrorizing thoughts creeping in, and am able to poison them quickly with my AA tools for survival.  Remembering that most, if not all,  of what I am thinking and feeling is not real, and quickly asking for guidance from my higher power, and the willingness to shift my perception of the life and/or circumstances in front of me.  But on this particular day, I chose to ignore those useful tools that keep me sane.  And so I spun.  and I continued to spin, for the next 6 days.  I created laundry lists of why the life I am currently living is not right.  I developed resentments against those closest to me.  I beat myself to a pulp, telling myself that my life is about to fail, and the decisions I have made in the past two years have been way off the rail.  My rather pleasant immediate world shifted to misery and it became hard for me to crack a smile.  So I simply didn’t try, because if I was feeling miserable, you were going to know it by my simple passive aggressive silence.

By the evening of day 6, I had ranted to a couple of friends about the circumstances of my “so-called” life.  I spewed about my unhappiness and circumstantial qualms.  I was also called out on my passive aggressive behavior.   Ouch.  By the end of it all, I felt better in some ways, because the thoughts were no longer festering in my head, solo.  They had been let loose.  That does bring relief to some degree.  However, I didn’t feel great about myself.  I  felt emotionally hung over.  I started to see my recent behavior for what it really was.  Certainly not the attitude and actions of a well-balanced sober woman.  Some-what immature behavior.  And very unsatisfying.

Cut to today.  7 days after my 2 year sobriety birthday.  7 days from the start of my dark spin-out.  I woke up this morning and felt much like a different person.  My perception had  shifted.   Although I still may have the same concerns I was so deeply obsessing over for the past 6 days, they somehow look different today.  More like, just part of  my life’s path & adventure.  My concerns are my journey and experiences.  This morning my faith had returned, somehow. It must have followed suit with my perception.  My “so-called life” is not exactly as I may have mapped out in my mind, but it is my life and it is my choice to view it for what it is.  It is beautiful.  It is a gift.  It is filled with gratitude and grace when my head doesn’t get in the way.

Now that I’ve escaped the grips of my alcoholic mind, I will be celebrating my 2 years of sobriety this weekend.

Hello, my name is Donna and I am an alcoholic.

Now for some random entertainment…

Pink’s song “sober” seems to be interpreted differently by many.  Is the song about addiction?  You tell me your thoughts…click on the link below

634 days equals…

1 year.  8 months.  25 days.

That is how long I have been clean and sober, today.  One day at a time.  One feeling/emotion at a time.  One life event at a time.  One solution at a time.

My life is so good today.  And it is changing daily.  So many experiences have manifested since I chose to show up for my life.  1 year, 8 months, and 25 days ago I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.  I was sick.  Hung-over.  Ashamed of my behavior and my life.  I was angry and scared.  I was tired…exhausted.  I had no love for myself, and I certainly didn’t know how to love you.  I wanted to just vanish.

I am no longer that person.  I am not ashamed of who I am and the life I live and am no longer a puppet for the fear and anxiety that barely strung me along.

Life presents itself in so many forms, and today I embrace it, even if it is scary.  Even if I am unsure.  Even if I feel incapable of succeeding.  Where my thinking can destroy me, my perception can save me.  And with that truth I can trudge through anything. My world has changed dramatically since sobriety became my number one focus.  I recently left my job, after over a decade of working there.  I love the company I worked for.  I love the friendships I have made there.  However, it was time for me to move on.  To extend my creative playing field a bit more.  I needed a change.  And I went for it.  If I was not sober…if I had not worked this program during the past year and 8 months, I would never have followed through with my desire to grow in my career, and thus leave my job.  I would never have had the courage to do it.  Fear would have continued to consume me and I would likely have stayed where I was… comfortable, and therefore “safe.”  Today I see that as nice as it is to feel safe, there comes a time when risks need to be taken in order for growth to occur.

I am constantly growing.

Becoming a vegan has been a beautiful transformation for me in sobriety.  I realized the true definition of compassion.  After becoming sober, I became more present and aware of the horrible ways our human race treat animals that are slaughtered for food consumption. I could no longer be a consumer of meat and dairy after I witnessed the truth behind factory farming….because for me, it was not a compassionate, loving way to live any longer.  Sobriety brings many truths and many gifts.  Becoming vegan was one of them for me.

And more is constantly revealed.

I am in a committed, loving relationship with a truly beautiful, sober woman.  I get the opportunity to live a bi-coastal life, bouncing between New York and Los Angeles, living in the two best cities in the country, in my opinion.  Sobriety has given me this gift.  The confidence to be myself in my relationship.  Genuine and authentic.  Sobriety has taught me that with truth and honesty, grows intimacy.  And with intimacy, grows love.  Sobriety has taught me that my character defects do not define me, and I am lovable even with my faults.   My confidence and self-worth has blossomed, naturally.  I have learned the importance of loving without expectation.

Serenity is always near, should I want it.

I have sobriety to thank for that.  I wasn’t expecting to grow so much and have such awesome experiences in such a short period of time.  But it has happened, and if I continue to do the work, I suspect more gifts from life will appear, and growth will continue.

There are key tools for living that help make it easier….I have a couple go to suggestions that help me along the way…

The best tools for my life are:  Understanding and accepting that I am not in control.  Knowing and believing that most of my thinking and fears are not reality.  Realizing that if I just do the next indicated thing, and stay out of the results, life will work itself out.   It is all very simple, really.  And if I continue to live by these simple rules, I can say to myself:

dont worry

and for that, i am grateful!

Till next time…

more time more choices

Although life is very busy and a solid constant of running from point A to point B, I do feel like I have more time on my hands then I did when I was drinking and using.  during those times, I spent much of my life in a blackout or in bed recovering from a run.  Life didn’t have any life in it.

So what does one do with extra time.  One of my favorite things to do is to people watch.  To go out into the world, find a seat somewhere in the middle of Venice Beach, Ca or Central Park in NYC.  Depending on which coast I am on.  Both places have great faces and personalities to watch.  I can sit comfortably for hours just watching the show around me.  If I happen to have my camera, I will snap a few emotional moments to freeze in time.

Everyone uses their spare time differently.  Some people latch onto social media.  Facebook, twitter, Instagram, all become a means of free time entertainment.  Others use gaming to waste the hours.  Video games on portable devices like the Iphone and Ipad.  Or  online gaming like binguez  Some people enjoy gambling, while others enjoy free games like bingo, blackjack, skeeball, angry birds, etc.  Personally I have never really gotten into the time-wasting use of games. I don’t have enough patience for them.  I will indulge in words with friends on occasion, but my attention span is short-lived for such activities.

I love that I have more spare time now that I am sober.  Although life is very busy, it is great to be able to experience it now, in its loud times, and quiet times.  How I choose to spend the quiet times is a choice I didn’t have before sobriety, really.  Now I can go people watch.  Or troll Facebook, or take a nap, or play some games, or see friends, etc. should I choose.

Gonna go check out Facebook now…

LOL

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