we need to be kind to ourselves. we are our own worst enemies…you’ve all heard that statement before. it screams truth. i am my own worst enemy, without a doubt.
random act of kindness #5: today i am having compassion for myself. giving myself a break for my mistakes/behavior.
i started this RAOK pledge because of the way i have been feeling, or rather, acting as of late. not feeling myself. acting abrasive. losing my smile. expressing a lack of gratitude as well as a lack of kindness towards others (and myself). and being kind towards others, helps take me out of my own head…which ultimatley is where i have disappeared to.
i’ve been hard on myself for my recent behavior. beating myself up for my actions, reactions, and feelings.
this morning, on an early morning bike ride, i processed some important details about my life and what i have put myself through in the past 10 months. let’s review:
1. i found sobriety and stopped drinking. began recovery. (10 months and 20 days ago)
2. i quit smoking, after smoking 2 packs a day for more than half my life! (6 months and 5 days ago)
3. i went off of my antidepressants. being flatlined by meds is not my definition of living. i wanted to really feel life again. (about one month ago)
4. transformed into a full-fledged vegan. (about 7-8 months ago)
those 4 things are big life changes. huge. and it is not recommended to make so many drastic changes all at once. especially when newly sober! but being the good alcoholic i am, that is the way i operate. all or nothing. that’s my personality.
as i was riding my bike along the beach this morning, i thought about all of those amazing positive changes i have made in my life, and how much success i have had in my growth as a sober, non-smoking, un-medicated, vegan human being. but the success does not come without challenges and mountains to climb , lose balance on, and roll down face first.
emotional stress. emotions period. they can cause me and my happy- go- charming mood to vanish into a black hole. and that is what has happened. im human. and i am emotionally overwhelmed, perhaps. my body is changing from the inside out. brain chemicals are being depleted and regenerated, in the attempt to find a natural balance for me. my feelings are surfacing tenfold, without the erroneously zen presence of zoloft and wellbutrin. i can’t run to the vodka if i become irritable or discontent. sad or hurt. happy or eager. instead, i must sit with those feelings. and as we know, bad/uncomfortable feelings are not always fun to sit with and ride through.
therefore, i am giving myself a break for being a little dark and abrasive, or sad and uncertain in the past couple of months. life is not always a series of clean smells and warm weather days.
so here i am, giving myself a well deserved pat on the back, coupled with some personal compassion and forgiveness of self. my random act of kindness for the day.
and with each smokeless, vegan, un-medicated passing day of sobriety, my smile and feelings of gratitude grow back. patience with personal growth is not an innate quality for me….but i am training.