we need to be kind to ourselves. we are our own worst enemies…you’ve all heard that statement before. it screams truth. i am my own worst enemy, without a doubt.
random act of kindness #5: today i am having compassion for myself. giving myself a break for my mistakes/behavior.
i started this RAOK pledge because of the way i have been feeling, or rather, acting as of late. not feeling myself. acting abrasive. losing my smile. expressing a lack of gratitude as well as a lack of kindness towards others (and myself). and being kind towards others, helps take me out of my own head…which ultimatley is where i have disappeared to.
i’ve been hard on myself for my recent behavior. beating myself up for my actions, reactions, and feelings.
this morning, on an early morning bike ride, i processed some important details about my life and what i have put myself through in the past 10 months. let’s review:
1. i found sobriety and stopped drinking. began recovery. (10 months and 20 days ago)
2. i quit smoking, after smoking 2 packs a day for more than half my life! (6 months and 5 days ago)
3. i went off of my antidepressants. being flatlined by meds is not my definition of living. i wanted to really feel life again. (about one month ago)
4. transformed into a full-fledged vegan. (about 7-8 months ago)
those 4 things are big life changes. huge. and it is not recommended to make so many drastic changes all at once. especially when newly sober! but being the good alcoholic i am, that is the way i operate. all or nothing. that’s my personality.
as i was riding my bike along the beach this morning, i thought about all of those amazing positive changes i have made in my life, and how much success i have had in my growth as a sober, non-smoking, un-medicated, vegan human being. but the success does not come without challenges and mountains to climb , lose balance on, and roll down face first.
emotional stress. emotions period. they can cause me and my happy- go- charming mood to vanish into a black hole. and that is what has happened. im human. and i am emotionally overwhelmed, perhaps. my body is changing from the inside out. brain chemicals are being depleted and regenerated, in the attempt to find a natural balance for me. my feelings are surfacing tenfold, without the erroneously zen presence of zoloft and wellbutrin. i can’t run to the vodka if i become irritable or discontent. sad or hurt. happy or eager. instead, i must sit with those feelings. and as we know, bad/uncomfortable feelings are not always fun to sit with and ride through.
therefore, i am giving myself a break for being a little dark and abrasive, or sad and uncertain in the past couple of months. life is not always a series of clean smells and warm weather days.
so here i am, giving myself a well deserved pat on the back, coupled with some personal compassion and forgiveness of self. my random act of kindness for the day.
give yourself a break!
and with each smokeless, vegan, un-medicated passing day of sobriety, my smile and feelings of gratitude grow back. patience with personal growth is not an innate quality for me….but i am training.
You hit the nail on the head about brain chemicals. Alcohol, nicotine and ssri addiction all make your neurotransmitters stop producing….so stopping all those things will create a sense of awful “un” well being….I went off of zoloft and klonopin after twenty years of use….my brani was fried….it takes a while, but the well being comes back. Wishing you more inner peace during this transition!
thanks so much for this comment
i love it. thanks for sharing your experience.
Hateful internet! I just spent time on a more thoughtfully languaged comment that an auto-refresh wiped off the face of the earth instead of posting. No time to redo all points, so let me say merely this:
We ALL must be careful with black and white thinking — especially where meds are concerned. Different strokes for different . . . BRAINS (and bodies).
Knowledge and awarness of potential down-sides are important so we can do a cost/benefit analysis – good to share our experiences in this manner – but we all need to remember to be careful not to language (or listen) in ways that that inspire fear — none of us want those who might be helped dramatically to suffer needlessly as a result.
Meds – ALL meds are like glasses: if you need ‘em you NEED ‘em, if you don’t, they might just give you a big-time headache!! Be an informed consumer, and watch out for black and white responding.
Congrats for doing the work to eliminate meds that were bad for YOU — anyone reading probably needs the reminder that they are not, ipso-facto, bad for everyone.
BIGTIME congrats on your sobriety!! I admire your strength of resolve. Great blog!
Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CMC, SCAC, MCC
- cofounder of the ADD Coaching field -
(blogging at ADDandSoMuchMore and ADDerWorld – dot com!)
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
thank you for your comment. i agree, some people need meds. i am hoping, i am not one of them. we shall see.
You are doing practically everything anyone CAN do to balance your neurochemistry without them – and it sure sounds like what you are doing is working, if the tone of your posts is any indication. There are a lot of reasons to believe this will stands a good chance of continuing to be so.
EVERYTHING you are doing will definitely help – and IS clearly helpING – the question is whether it helps enough – fast enough, and sustains itself over time – and that is, indeed, what “[you] shall see.”
I’m glad to see that you aren’t ruling meds totally OUT – which was my only goal with the post (for you and anyone reading).
In my 25 years in the ADD field, the people who have the toughest time – medicated or NOT – are the ones who are black-and-white about medication. For MANY, simply knowing there *might* be one more thing to try [shame & worry free] allows them to function better without medication.
Those who can function WELL (as well as anybody *ever* functions lol), don’t take that meds step. Those who can function well *enough* generally don’t take that step.
Others, who discover that they simply can’t cope well enough to have a life worth living, can take advantage of taking the step without feeling weak (or whatever), and generally take lower doses — even if THAT is the case, they do MUCH better with life.
FYI – the fact that you were able to achieve sobriety without medication is a good sign. I know it doesn’t make it EASIER, but (in the ADD community especially), many people find it truly impossible to give up their substances of abuse *until* they are properly medicated — giving them a brain neurochemically balanced enough TO do the tough work that getting sober and STAYING sober really IS — tons of info on this, btw)
ANYWAY – bigtime congrats on all you are doing, especially on your recovering status. I love it that you are “out” about it on your blog – so generous to those “behind” you on the trail to leave breadcrumbs they can follow.
Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CMC, SCAC, MCC
- cofounder of the ADD Coaching field -
(blogging at ADDandSoMuchMore and ADDerWorld – dot com!)
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
[...] a random act of kindness for donna-day 5 (myblindworld.com) [...]