7-11 has a nice ring to it. todays date marks 365 days of clean blood running through my veins. no alcohol. no drugs. one year of dealing with life on life’s terms. feeling every prick and prong. earning every tear and smile. i am nothing short of a miracle.
what was i doing on this exact day, one year ago…?
i woke up with a beating headache. my attempt to not drink the night before turned into a high-caliber blackout. i woke up on 7-11-11 with that horrible feeling of incomprehensible demoralization. what had i done? what had i said? where is my car? how did i get home?
and then came the phone call from my dear friend, who i shall call beth. she reminded me of my behavior the night before….and the pieces began to come together.
here is the short story: i was hanging out with a few friends. started off at a restaurant in venice beach and ended at a backyard bonfire. where i attempted with drunken passion to turn my straight girlfriend gay. sounds rather humorous, and i can laugh about it with beth, now. but at the time it wasn’t so funny. i wanted what i wanted when i wanted it. that was me, drunk. not attractive, at all. i wasn’t violent or anything like that. but i was aggressive with my words and was often seductively persuasive. not classy at all. i was known for taking straight girls to the dark side for a night. (there were some good times! ha ha ha) but this night was a big FAIL. and i m grateful it was…as this was/is a very dear friend of mine and i had no business saying what i said and acting as i did. i will spare you the details…but when alcohol entered my blood stream, there was no telling what would happen. what i would say or do. who i would take home or go home with. how i would get home. if i would get home. this night was no different from the rest. and like most mornings after, i woke up drowning in humiliation. completely exhausted. sick. stricken with a deep self-hatred that never seemed to escape me. i wanted nothing more than to hide from the world and all the people in it. a typical feeling for me during my drinking days. i hated who i was. what i stood for. i hated the feelings that overwhelmed me. i hated your happiness. and i wallowed in my misery. that was donna exactly one year ago.
can you say GRATEFUL? i am so grateful today that i do not have to live that way any longer. i don’t wake up in the mornings with that loathing self-hatred. my memory isn’t taken from me any longer by booze and drugs. my actions are in control. my words and my behavior are manageable today. and most importantly, i feel love for donna. the spiritual depletion i felt 365 days ago is replenishing in me. i didn’t know how to feel before. i didn’t want to feel. experiencing my feelings was way too much for me to handle. living life on life’s terms was not a choice for me while i was drinking. my world was unmanageable. one year later i can say with confidence, that i truly experience every possible emotion and feeling that crosses my path. and i take it in with pleasure. painful or otherwise. i absorb it and i live through it. and i am grateful for that. life is worth living when i do so on life’s terms…not mine!
what i know today: i know now that it’s the first drink that gets me drunk. so i stay away from the first drink. i know now that once alcohol is in my blood, i have no control over donna any longer. i know i will end up right back where i was 365 days ago…hating myself and everyone in my line of vision….if i should choose to drink again. i know i need to go to AA meetings in order to stay sober. I know i need to work the steps daily, as best i can. I know i need to keep a close relationship with my HP. i know i have an allergy of the body and mind. i know my head speaks louder than my mouth. and most of the time, my head is lying to me. i know now that most troubles in my life are born from fear. i know how to feel today. i know what it means to be authentic. i know how to love and be loved. or at least im better at it then i was before sobriety. i know what it’s like to be in the moment. i know how to live today. it’s not a life without problems, but it’s a life with an authentic truth that allows for pain, challenges, happiness, and laughter, successes and failures….it’s a life worth living.
my name is donna, and I am an alcoholic… with one year of sobriety!!!