i have a necklace that i wear everyday around my neck. it reminds me that, the donna i am today, was yesterday, and will be tomorrow…is enough.
getting sober is not always a ray of sunshine. my eyes have been opened wide. my heart has been exposed. my feelings are in full force. the reflection i see everyday can no longer be blackened by booze and drugs. i have no choice but to really face donna, daily. with that force of reality, i must accept myself and recognize, i am enough…just as i am.
do you have any idea how difficult that is to say…. for an addict like me? i am a compare and despair kinda gal. walking down the city streets, i look at the women trotting by. no, not because i am a lesbian and am admiring their beauty. i am staring at these women, comparing my outsides to their outsides. i see thin and beauty in front of me, and i tell myself how i am not that. i am too big. not attractive enough. getting old. etc. compare and despair…a phrase i learned in the rooms of AA.
i play the comparison game in other areas of life as well. i am a photographer. i look at photos all day for my day job. and therefore, i begin to tell myself how amazing the photographers are that i am researching, and how un-amazing my work is. compare and despair.
as difficult as it was for me to swallow the following concept prior to, and at the start of sobriety, i am able to grasp it now….these feelings and behaviors are all self-centered and ego based. it still makes me cringe to say that. why? because overall i am an incredibly sensitive, kind-hearted, giving individual, who puts you way before me. therefore i never thought i could be self-centered or have an overexposed ego. but…this is not the truth, i now know. comparing myself to you, and being so concerned about my appearance, is clearly me thinking about me and focussing on me. damn ego.
when this game of comparison occurs, i go into a very dark place. a depression, if you will. and it is not easy to get out of. it’s comfortable. it’s what i have known for so much of my life. its false security. it’s why i drank. darkness was my friend, and still creeps in on occasion. and it is up to me to crawl out of it.
now i have a little tool around my neck. a gift from my cousin, who had no clue the impact this necklace would have on me. i wear it everyday. and when i begin to compare and despair…when i begin to tell myself i am not good enough… i look at the charms around my neck and remind myself…i am enough.
sobriety does not bring perfection.
but it brings the path to a new life, and a new love for life and for self. and i am on that road now.
i consider it training.
and with everyday of training, my strength in sobriety, self-love, and self acceptance, gains the muscle needed to power down my ego, tame my self-hatred, and massage my self-love.
one day at a time.
i am enough.